Last night, my 17 year old son was especially restless and he decided at about 8PM that he wanted to trim his hair. I thought he would do a small clipping and said nothing. He came back about 10 minutes later sporting a shorter look in the front. He pointed out that he had shaved it partially on one side and asked me to cut the back. Not wishing to add to the "special look," I declined the offer.
He then used his shaver to add a few more distinctive circles to the top of his head. He arrived back in my room to show me his handiwork. Somehow, I was successful in keeping my composure....amazing to myself as he was truly looking "unique." While I did not like his crazy hair cut, I decided to relax, to calm myself with a hot bubble bath and to affirm his right to his unique style.
As I soaked, I let go of my anger and my need for control. I got over my frustration and my own embarrassment and decided that I would not diminish him for his harmless exploration of a new look. I decided that I would not ask him why he had decided to do this now and in this way. I decided that his actions were not worth ranting about and I decided that his actions did not reflect badly on me as a parent. Instead, his actions, revealed his own creativity. Asking him why would not serve a purpose. Instead, I simply got out of the tub, put on my pajamas and watched a favorite TV show and waited for his return.
He came back into my room with a cap on, reluctant to reveal what was underneath. As it turned out, he did not like the look either and he decided to shave it all off. Unfortunately, he did not have the right equipment, and it was clearly evident that his hair cut was done by an amateur. He told me, “Mom, I am bald and I do not know what the kids and teachers will say. I will wear a cap to school.” Knowing that caps and hats were not allowed, I told him to be prepared to go into the school without it. I kept my fears to myself, knowing that he would have to live with the consequences of his creativity.
Before, he went to bed, I said, "Robert, with or without hair you are still Robert and I love you." Much to my surprise, he said very clearly in his deep 17 year old voice, "I love you too!" This is not a comment that I hear very often from him and was a big improvement over his typical response of "Whatever!"
It occurred to me later in the evening that the “hair challenge” had brought us closer together and that our relationship had become stronger as a result of this trial. I had made a conscious decision to approach his actions with unconditional love, to applaud his daring action, to appreciate his sense of adventure and to reaffirm his right to claim his unique style and it had paid off.
I was nonetheless worried about the upcoming day. How would his "new look" be received at his school, by his teachers and his peers? I quickly wrote a note to his teacher and to his counselor to prepare them for the sight of the "new" Robert and I prayed for the best.
Much to my delight, Robert had a great day. According to the teacher report, it was one of his best! He participated fully, was engaged and walked around without a cap. He was bald, confident, had fun, laughed at the “Grandpa” jokes and connected with others in positive ways. Looking back, I believe that his positive day was an outgrowth of our positive interaction the night before.
I am reminded that our words are powerful and that we are given opportunities every day to positively impact the lives of others. Today, I am grateful; I was able to keep my composure and to express unconditional love in a challenging situation. I thank my father for teaching me to love unconditionally and for weathering the challenges of my youth when I also made some questionable decisions.
I came across a quote by Ben Stein that seems especially relevant, “Personal relationships are the fertile soil from which all advancement, all success, all achievement in real life grows.”
What relationship will you nurture today? What challenge will you face and how will you respond? Who will you hug? Who will hear....I love you from you?
Showing posts with label unconditional love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label unconditional love. Show all posts
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Finding Hidden Blessings and Gratitude in Our Most Difficult Situations
On this the Eve of Thanksgiving, I am reflecting on my many blessings and feeling thankful for the lessons I have learned from my mom and dad. My dad, my living Ray of Hope, is a survivor, and he taught me by living example, how one can find the hidden blessings in difficult situations.
Growing up, I tried to run away from difficult situations; If I couldn't run away, I urged punitive actions and plotted my escape. As a teenager, I saw my brother make one bad choice after another. He verbally abused my parents, skirted the law and made me uncomfortable in our home. As a know-it-all-teenager, I pointed my finger at my brother and advised my parents to "Send him away." I told them, "He needs a military school. His behavior is intolerable."
When my parents ignored my advice, I sought refuge in my room, in my studies and in my goals. After high school graduation, I enrolled in college and felt lucky to escape from the daily rants, rages and excuses. The drama and trauma of living with a younger brother who marched to the tune of a different drummer was more than I wanted to deal with.
When my brother threw shoes at me in anger and was not challenged, I fled to the safety of my sorority house. I felt powerless and heartbroken as his tirades continued. I saw the frustration and exasperation in my mother's eyes and I left with a sense of relief and guilt. I could no longer witness the challenges he presented and after graduating from college, I headed for Germany where my sister and husband lived as part of the American military community.
Little did I know then, that I could not run far enough or fast enough to escape the lessons that were meant just for me. In the intervening years, I have learned that when I ran away and did not choose to learn the lesson at a given point in time, I was given more opportunities to master the lesson and given similar challenges to face. As the saying goes, "YOU CAN RUN, But YOU CAN NOT HIDE," until the lesson is mastered. I have also learned that challenges and failures are not the enemy and often our best teachers.
While I was not in CA to witness the events day to day, I did learn of the threats on my brother's life and did learn that my parents moved twice in quick succession in an attempt to protect him and get him away from bad influences. I shook my head in disbelief and was glad I was not facing the challenges at close range. At the age of 23, I thought I had escaped for good and I was convinced that I would never have any children of my own.
Meanwhile, my mom and dad remained steadfast in their devotion to our family. We lost my mother to cancer when she was only 55 and in my heart I sensed that she could bear no more. In her lifetime, she had shouldered more than her share of heartbreak and she did not know how to tap into resources outside of our family.
If my dad grew tired of the challenges of dealing with my younger brother and his various addictions, I never witnessed his despair. Instead, I saw a man and a father who consistently saw the best in any situation, in my brother, and in the people around him. My dad loved us all unconditionally and believed in looking for the blessings in difficult situations. Time after time, he encouraged us all to persevere, to learn from our mistakes and to try again. Through good times and difficult times, my father celebrated the blessings and lessons learned.
Slowly, I began to absorb the lessons I witnessed and decided not to run away anymore from my challenges. My direction and tune changed. I decided that I very much wanted to have children and when my husband and I faced multiple miscarriages, we decided that we would take deliberate action and adopt our children.
We lost my brother, Ray Jr., when he was in his early 30's, shortly after we adopted our first son, Greg. Greg was only a little boy when my brother gave him a prayer that still hangs in his room. On occasion, I stop to read the words of that prayer and I am reminded of the blessings that my brother brought to my life.
Despite his challenges, my brother, inherited my dad's generosity of spirit and is remembered with gratitude. He brought joy to the lives of the people he met and never knew a stranger. Within minutes, he would draw a crowd of those who wanted to hear his stories and adventures. As his sister, I did not always appreciate my brother's gifts, but my dad always did.
Today, I realize that my brother served me in many ways. The brother who made many mistakes while seeking to live life to the fullest, was loved unconditionally and in the process, I saw my father grow in stature. My dad's faith, hope and love were constant and as result, I was able to learn by example.
As a parent of three young adults with a variety of unique needs, I can truly appreciate the lessons I learned in watching my father and brother deal with learning, social, and addiction challenges. In my darkest hours and in the most difficult situations, I remember how my dad stood strong and was ever ready to support my brother, my sister and I. As I reflect, on his life, I am inspired to walk in his footsteps... to love my children unconditionally and to stand by them as they learn from their mistakes, and to believe in a Ray of Hope when the situation looks bleakest.
When I feel weary, I remember my mom and her early departure and take time for reflection and rejuvenation. I have learned to take time for myself so that I can tap into the reservoir of faith and have more to give to my family, my friends and community. In tough times, I reach out to my extended support system...to my family, friends, teachers, school administrators and counselors. I believe, as Hillary Clinton said, "It takes a village to raise a child."
I remember my dad and am strengthened by my his humor and example. He found time to laugh, to enjoy the moment, to celebrate with us, to support us and to work through the problems we encountered individually and as a family. Today, being the adult daughter of a Ray of Hope, I believe that there are hidden blessings in our challenges and failures and I am filled with gratitude.
Who is part of your village and who can you turn to when your child presents a challenge that must be acknowledged and appreciated? Who serves as your Ray of Hope and how will you share your gratitude on this day of Thanksgiving?
Growing up, I tried to run away from difficult situations; If I couldn't run away, I urged punitive actions and plotted my escape. As a teenager, I saw my brother make one bad choice after another. He verbally abused my parents, skirted the law and made me uncomfortable in our home. As a know-it-all-teenager, I pointed my finger at my brother and advised my parents to "Send him away." I told them, "He needs a military school. His behavior is intolerable."
When my parents ignored my advice, I sought refuge in my room, in my studies and in my goals. After high school graduation, I enrolled in college and felt lucky to escape from the daily rants, rages and excuses. The drama and trauma of living with a younger brother who marched to the tune of a different drummer was more than I wanted to deal with.
When my brother threw shoes at me in anger and was not challenged, I fled to the safety of my sorority house. I felt powerless and heartbroken as his tirades continued. I saw the frustration and exasperation in my mother's eyes and I left with a sense of relief and guilt. I could no longer witness the challenges he presented and after graduating from college, I headed for Germany where my sister and husband lived as part of the American military community.
Little did I know then, that I could not run far enough or fast enough to escape the lessons that were meant just for me. In the intervening years, I have learned that when I ran away and did not choose to learn the lesson at a given point in time, I was given more opportunities to master the lesson and given similar challenges to face. As the saying goes, "YOU CAN RUN, But YOU CAN NOT HIDE," until the lesson is mastered. I have also learned that challenges and failures are not the enemy and often our best teachers.
While I was not in CA to witness the events day to day, I did learn of the threats on my brother's life and did learn that my parents moved twice in quick succession in an attempt to protect him and get him away from bad influences. I shook my head in disbelief and was glad I was not facing the challenges at close range. At the age of 23, I thought I had escaped for good and I was convinced that I would never have any children of my own.
Meanwhile, my mom and dad remained steadfast in their devotion to our family. We lost my mother to cancer when she was only 55 and in my heart I sensed that she could bear no more. In her lifetime, she had shouldered more than her share of heartbreak and she did not know how to tap into resources outside of our family.
If my dad grew tired of the challenges of dealing with my younger brother and his various addictions, I never witnessed his despair. Instead, I saw a man and a father who consistently saw the best in any situation, in my brother, and in the people around him. My dad loved us all unconditionally and believed in looking for the blessings in difficult situations. Time after time, he encouraged us all to persevere, to learn from our mistakes and to try again. Through good times and difficult times, my father celebrated the blessings and lessons learned.
Slowly, I began to absorb the lessons I witnessed and decided not to run away anymore from my challenges. My direction and tune changed. I decided that I very much wanted to have children and when my husband and I faced multiple miscarriages, we decided that we would take deliberate action and adopt our children.
We lost my brother, Ray Jr., when he was in his early 30's, shortly after we adopted our first son, Greg. Greg was only a little boy when my brother gave him a prayer that still hangs in his room. On occasion, I stop to read the words of that prayer and I am reminded of the blessings that my brother brought to my life.
Despite his challenges, my brother, inherited my dad's generosity of spirit and is remembered with gratitude. He brought joy to the lives of the people he met and never knew a stranger. Within minutes, he would draw a crowd of those who wanted to hear his stories and adventures. As his sister, I did not always appreciate my brother's gifts, but my dad always did.
Today, I realize that my brother served me in many ways. The brother who made many mistakes while seeking to live life to the fullest, was loved unconditionally and in the process, I saw my father grow in stature. My dad's faith, hope and love were constant and as result, I was able to learn by example.
As a parent of three young adults with a variety of unique needs, I can truly appreciate the lessons I learned in watching my father and brother deal with learning, social, and addiction challenges. In my darkest hours and in the most difficult situations, I remember how my dad stood strong and was ever ready to support my brother, my sister and I. As I reflect, on his life, I am inspired to walk in his footsteps... to love my children unconditionally and to stand by them as they learn from their mistakes, and to believe in a Ray of Hope when the situation looks bleakest.
When I feel weary, I remember my mom and her early departure and take time for reflection and rejuvenation. I have learned to take time for myself so that I can tap into the reservoir of faith and have more to give to my family, my friends and community. In tough times, I reach out to my extended support system...to my family, friends, teachers, school administrators and counselors. I believe, as Hillary Clinton said, "It takes a village to raise a child."
I remember my dad and am strengthened by my his humor and example. He found time to laugh, to enjoy the moment, to celebrate with us, to support us and to work through the problems we encountered individually and as a family. Today, being the adult daughter of a Ray of Hope, I believe that there are hidden blessings in our challenges and failures and I am filled with gratitude.
Who is part of your village and who can you turn to when your child presents a challenge that must be acknowledged and appreciated? Who serves as your Ray of Hope and how will you share your gratitude on this day of Thanksgiving?
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